Senseless Throwback Series

Originally Posted: September 8th, 2008

I bet no one’s surprised. It’s just like me to fuck up. I always fuck up. That’s what I am – a fuck up.

I’ve been working with this girl for half a year now and we had a rocky start. Like always, I unknowingly create drama. It took us all the way up till now, maybe a few weeks ago, to finally get comfortable with each other.

One of my best friends wanted to meet my co-worker so like a dumbass, I took my co-worker to my friend’s house and introduced them. The night was going fine then shit hit the fan.

We were sitting around, smoking weed, when my friend told my co-worker to take a gravity. Earlier, I said she’s not doing it because she’d get sick but my friend kept asking her anyway. My co-worker told her no a few times and jokingly, my friend told her boyfriend to go downstairs and grab the knife. She talked about stabbing my co-worker. She was joking but my co-worker took her seriously. I was so angry at my friend to talking to my co-worker like that. She was far too stoned to argue with though.

My co-worker was fricken terrified and soon after asked me to take her home. She looked at me like she really wanted to leave, and at the same time, like she really wanted to kill me. Like a dumbass, I lit up a couple of cigarettes and just sat on the bed and smoked them. When I finished smoking, my co-worker asked me to take her home again. Instead of getting up and taking her, I asked my friend to take all the weed that I had and roll joints out of all of it. My co-worker gave me the same look again. It was terrifying so I tried not to look her way.

A little while later, she asked to leave again and I finally got up and we left. I couldn’t drive because I was stoned and high so she had to drive, even though she doesn’t know how to drive and she doesn’t have her license yet.

I was talking to her the entire way and she looked like she just wanted to get home quick, get the fuck away from me and never have to deal with me again. I kept talking to her though because I wanted her to calm down and not be mad at me but I guess none of that worked.

The next day, I sent her an apology through MySpace. She was avoiding me at work and I knew she wasn’t ready to talk to me yet so I had to resort to MySpace. I told my friends I sent her an apology and they said they wanted to cruise again but check if she wrote back before I went downtown to pick them up.

After work, I went home to check my MySpace. She read the message but there was no reply so I left to go get my friends. We partied for twelve hours and went to my job because my friend really wanted to apologize to my co-worker. She wrote a note to my co-worker then went inside the store to give it to her personally. She said that my co-worker was in a good mood, smiled and said we’d all go cruising one day. I know it won’t happen though. She says yes when she means no all the time. Maybe she’s sparing peoples’ feelings?

Anyway, my friends and I smoked a little more behind my job and then we went back downtown to drop them off.

Once I got home I checked my MySpace, not even remembering that I sent my co-worker a message, not expecting a response. I check my messages and there’s a new message from her account. I open it and it’s from her boyfriend. He told me that she’s never hanging out with me again, he sees me as a problem, etc. I didn’t know how to feel about that. I read the message a couple more times and it kicked in a little bit more then I started feeling all kinds of emotions. Still not sure how to feel about the whole thing.

I’ve been fucking up since I was a kid. My step dad would always tell me that I was stupid. I used to cry because I believed him. Then he’d say, “Why are you crying? Stop crying, stupid.” My co-worker and I would talk all the time and pretty much every time we spoke, she’d tell me that I was stupid. She would smile or laugh it off as if she was joking but we both knew she was being honest. It’s like when I fucked up with my step dad and he called me stupid. I believe her, too.

We got off to a rocky start and it continued to be rocky for months. We began talking on MySpace a lot and we talked about our issues in hopes to resolve them. She once said she thought we could have been friends when we were working together before. I wanted that but I didn’t see that happening. Recently, we’ve been getting closer. We talk about all kinds of things, joke with each other, go over to each others’ houses, drive around together; things friends do. It’s just like me to ruin something good that I worked long and hard for. Now it’s me feeling like we could have been friends. Actually, I feel like I’ve lost a good friend.

It’s happened to me before and my life just kept getting worse for me. I was depressed for a couple of months and I JUST started feeling like life is actually alright. I hope I don’t fall back into that same hole. I struggled to get myself out of it. Most of all, I hope one day my co-worker will trust me again or at least forgive me. I really didn’t mean for any of that to go down. That night wasn’t supposed to happen the way that it did. It was planned out but one thing happened after another and it all unraveled after that.

I could write forever about this…but I should try and just forget about all of it. Forget about everything and everyone, as they do me…