Senseless Throwback Series

Originally Posted: July 28th, 2008

Do you ever feel like things would actually be better if you killed yourself, just ended it all?
It’s sad that the only place I feel wanted is at work, and that’s only because they’re short-handed – though sometimes I tell myself that no one can do the job quite like I can. Just something to make me feel like that day was worth getting up for.
I can never seem to be happy. Sometimes I try to force myself to be happy – doesn’t work. At best, I’m content. That’s not enough for me anymore though. Frankly, I’m surprised that it got me this far.
I’d like my nephew to remember me when I’m gone. Though maybe it’s better if he doesn’t. I’d like to see my niece walk the line at her high school and college graduation. I’d like to see her walk down a church aisle toward the man of her dreams. I’d like to see her mother a child. I’d like to see both of them do something good with their lives. I’d like to see them learn from all of my mistakes and take different paths. None of that seems worth living this life that I was given anymore though.
Everyday gets harder. Everyone around me seems to tolerate me less and less. I can’t help it though. If I could I would, but I can’t. I am the way that I am. I can’t change. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’d like to be happy. I can’t remember happiness.

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